I was in Puerto Vallarta, a place considered a paradise by many, hiding in the bathroom, sobbing and praying to Maharajij (a well-respected guru from India who I personally love) to get me out of the nightmare of a relationship I was in. That was over two years ago now, and that was the beginning of what I’d like to call my awakening. 

Right before ringing in the 2020 New Year, I met this guy in Japan who I was immediately drawn to. Not only was I attracted to him physically, I was drawn to his energy. I had just broken up with a boyfriend and I wanted to feel better. Initially I thought it was just a casual hookup with this guy, especially because I was in town just for a little while, as I was visiting my family from New York – where I was living at the time. Somehow, we ‘fell in love’ within just a few short days, and he ended up visiting me in New York a few weeks after I left Japan.

The beginning of our relationship was a whirlwind of fun, fueled by lust and partying, consumption of sex, alcohol and drugs, but slowly, both of our insecurities started to show up and what started out as pure bliss, became pure hell. 

The relationship was filled with anxiety, cries, screaming matches, and violent outbursts on both sides. What led me to lock myself in the bathroom in Mexico, was getting pinned down and getting yelled at for some minor issue I can’t even remember anymore. Shockingly, the relationship didn’t come to an end right there, but thankfully it did a month or so after that. 

That relationship was my wakeup call. A wake up call to my lack of self confidence, lack of self-love, and the power that my insecurities and fears held over me. Since the end of that toxic relationship, I began a serious journey of self-discovery and understanding. 

Healing from a Toxic Relationship

Toxic relationships can be extremely traumatic. Speaking from experience, it can leave imprints on you, manifest fears that don’t actually exist in future relationships, and increase anxiety in certain situations and dealings with people. There are many different forms of toxic relationships, but I define it as a relationship that is not serving you. 

I still hold trauma from my toxic relationship, and get anxious and fearful whenever I feel any sense of jealousy, possession, or anger coming from a partner. I am now much more aware of red flags in potential partners, and on the bright side, my values in what I look for in a partner has definitely changed. 

I believe it does take time to heal from pain and toxic relationships. Regardless of whether you start feeling better within a few months, there is lingering trauma that may always be there, but with awareness, can turn into a lesson rather than a handicap. 

During the healing stage of a toxic relationship, it’s super important to take time for yourself, enact boundaries, feel your feelings, connect with your hobbies, connect with your closest friends, lean on family if you need to, and discover who you are without anyone else.

As humans, we’ve evolved to avoid pain, so sometimes we resort to numbing or escapism, and other forms of neglect. However, speaking from experience, this only prolongs the healing and the pain, so while you’re healing from a toxic relationship or any breakup for that matter, remember it’s okay to not feel okay sometimes. It’s going to be painful at times, but sitting with this pain will make you more resilient and in turn, will make you more confident with yourself, knowing you are strong enough to get through the hardest of times. 

Some tools that helped me get through my toxic relationship:

  • Connecting with your tribe
    • Without speaking to my best friends and my support group during the rough moments in my toxic relationship, I would have had a much more difficult time. After the end of my toxic relationship, I lived with a best friend for a few months and my healing was exponential. Being around your best friends or even talking on the phone and texting them can be a huge source of comfort, and a reminder that you’re supported, understood, and loved. 
  • Meditate
    • Meditation helps you in every way. It helps you get through the rough emotional roller coaster of toxic relationships, as well as your healing from them. Meditation reminds you that everything is temporary, including this pain and loneliness. 
  • Journal
    • Writing out your thoughts, sorting out your feelings on paper, and laying down how you want to show up in your life can be incredibly helpful in the healing journey. Write down how you’re feeling in the current moment, write down all the things you’re grateful for in the moment, lay out what kind of person you are becoming and how to get there. 
  • Go out in nature
    • Connect with nature. Go to the ocean if it’s available to you, go on a hike, take a stroll in the park, and get barefoot and ground if you can. Grounding a.k.a earthing is the bodily contact with earth’s electric charge, and heals you on many different levels – physical, spiritual, and mental. 
  • Exercise
    • Move your body when you’re getting stuck on certain negative thoughts, or when you’re feeling pain. Go for a run, flow and do yoga, dance. Do whatever resonates with you but move the energy through and out of your body. You’ll realize again, similarly with meditating, that thoughts come and go, and feelings come and go. 
  • Podcasts
    • Listen to your favorite podcasts. If you feel lonely or down, it helps to listen to someone else talk and helps you realize other people are going through or have gone through the same feelings and hardships that you’re experiencing. You can also listen to an educational podcast, keep your mind off your emotional state, and learn something new. 

What Toxic Relationships Can Teach You

Why do I consider toxic relationships a gift? Because the fact that you got yourself in one and could stay in one says a lot about you. Particularly, it shines a light on your insecurities, your unconscious patterns of behavior, your lack of self-love and confidence, your lack of emotional resilience, and more. 

I don’t mean to sound condescending in any way. After all, I stayed in an abusive relationship for an entire year and I contributed to the abuse. Humans are wired for connection, and at the end of the day, we all just want to be loved. So when someone is giving you a lot of attention and smothering you with love, it’s easy to want to stay with that person. But when that someone is toxic to your life, making you feel sad, confused, and constantly bringing in negative energy, you need to be aware of what’s going on and have the strength to walk away. 

Toxic Relationships Mirror:

  • Your insecurities / self confidence
    • If someone is continuously attacking you, abusing you, or making you feel bad, and you don’t walk away, you are giving your power away. If you were secure with yourself, you would be strong enough to leave that situation bringing you down and know that you are an amazing person who has many opportunities ahead of them. 
  • Your self love
    • Similar to shining a light on your self-confidence, the fact that you are in or were in a toxic relationship indicates your lack of self-love. Someone who truly loves themselves and respects themselves, would not accept anything less than real love that is respectful and non-abusive. 
  • Your patterns of behavior
    • Toxic relationships can be extremely triggering. When someone is yelling at you, hitting a sensitive nerve, or abusing you in some way, you obviously get triggered unless you’re a robot. When you’re triggered, you usually react and act a certain way. In this way, toxic relationships can show you how you react, where you’re still not healed, and your conscious or unconscious patterns of behavior. 
  • Emotional resilience
    • As toxic relationships can be extremely emotionally taxing, they are able to indicate your level of emotional resilience. How much control over your emotions do you have, or vice versa, how much control do you have over your emotions. Toxic relationships, as hard as they are, help you build emotional resilience.

Toxic relationships are gifts in disguise. A fully healed, self-aware person would not stay in a toxic situation. If you are in one, or have been in one, it indicates there’s still healing to occur. So take your toxic relationship and transform it into greater self awareness, self-love, and self-growth. 

Pain is a Doorway to Healing

There’s a quote by Rumi, the Sufi poet that always comes to mind when I’m going through a rough time. 

“Don’t get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure.”

Pain is one of the most powerful ways we heal our internal wounds and grow into the next, better version of ourselves. I compare pain to a hibernation season for an animal, or when a plant is just planted and has yet to peep its head out of the soil. It’s a down season, and it may be a difficult time period, but it’s a time of immense growth and awareness where you can reflect on your internal state, what kind of person you have been and what kind of person you want to be. If you reflect on your past, you will realize that every painful experience you had turned you into a better version of yourself, and if you don’t feel that way, at least you gained new awareness and learned more about yourself. 

The fact of life is impermanence. It’s the only thing we can actually hold on to. Remember this reality and you’ll realize this pain is a moment in the timeline of your life, and it will transform. It’s the law of the universe. 

Another helpful quote that has gotten me through painful periods in my life is:

“The unknown has never let me down.”

As humans, we are so afraid of uncertainty. We like knowing what’s happening and being in control. We’ve evolved this way, and our brain has become comfortable with control due to survival reasons. Try to remember that the unknown holds infinite possibilities and you can always create a better reality for yourself than the one you’re in at this very moment. 

Use your current pain to inch closer to your highest self that already exists. I now think of painful moments as one step getting closer to my dream self and my dream reality. 

Gratitude for your Toxic Relationship

I thank all of the toxic situations and painful experiences I’ve been through now. You wouldn’t be the self aware person you are now if it weren’t for those experiences. One day you’ll be thanking your ex partner for teaching you what it means to really love and respect yourself. Whether you believe in reincarnation or the fact that we’re all souls, people come into our lives to teach us things, no matter how difficult the experience may be. Your toxic relationship may very well be one of the greatest teachers in your lifetime.